if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Never let your siblings swipe right.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
