the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
