mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
