Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
