They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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