what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
