Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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