The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.