I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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