it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
