"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
