you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
