The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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