You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize