Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
