It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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