Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
