sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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