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• (573): View more from Missouri

  My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.

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• (770): View more from Georgia

  I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.

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• (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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  27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst

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• (510): View more from California

  note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.

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• (417): View more from Missouri

  She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."

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• (518): View more from New York

  At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out

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• (806): View more from Texas

  No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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  These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Why do you think it's a no-pants party?

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  Two words: blizzard sex

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• (516): View more from New York

  Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow

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• (347): View more from New York

  Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?

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