If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.