My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
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note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
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Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Two words: blizzard sex
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?