break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
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Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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