Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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