theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
