cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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