i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
