I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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