Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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