omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
