I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
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Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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