Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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