Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
