On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How external is "for external use only"?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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