failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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