You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
