We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
