I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
