Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
