Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize