i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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