Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
