And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
