I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
