Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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