So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
