Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
