I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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