I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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