What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
