Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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