I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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