The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
