I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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