I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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