I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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