So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
