I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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