I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize