If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
