I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
