so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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