My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
