i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
