sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
