im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
